Today has been another day like yesterday: every time I close my eyes, I'm woken up within ten minutes for something inconsequential. After having missed lunch because of another staff member's error, I am starting to become very angry and bitter. Mentally, I have checked out on what's going on around me, and I have completely stopped listening to the staff here. Because of the constant interruptions and the game of hurry-up-and-wait, I am very close to slipping into despair, anger, and bitterness.
Last year while going through cancer the first time, I was given a book by Evan Handler, an actor who also suffered from AML and underwent an allogenic stem cell transplant. In his book, he attributes anger, rage, and a hatred of God as that which kept him going and the reason for his survival. While that may be, others would be quick to counter Mr. Handler and note that their positive attitude or belief in themselves or faith in medicine is what saved them. Regardless, the graveyard is full of people who survived cancer only to die later. The graveyard is also full of those who had a positive outlook and those who had a negative outlook during their fight with cancer. I can allow myself to wallow in anguish and begin to hate others, or I can use the cancer as a testimony of the fact that I do not suffer like those without hope.
Either way I'm going to have to go through this. I can do so without Christ and suffer without hope, or I can remember that I have a hope that extends beyond cancer.
In his sermon Free Will--a Slave, Spurgeon states: "Do we not find times, even now, when to will is not present with us." While Spurgeon had a different meaning, I latched onto the word "will" and realized that I have lost the will to fight this battle. I do not mean that I have permanently given up; instead, I am exhausted and do not have the energy to continue. However, this is not the first time I have been in such a state during my struggle with cancer. No matter how strong someone is, if they have to battle something like cancer for over two years, there will be periods where they simply do not have the strength or will to continue. It is during those times that I have faced a fork in the road: I can either become angry and give up or I can relax and rely on God to carry me through.
John Piper speaks a bit on the above: http://www.desiringgod.org/messages/battling-the-unbelief-of-bitterness. He notes that such trials can be seen as faith being refined. The Christian can either become angry and spiteful at God or he can find solace in the fact that he has such faith to begin with.
Again, refraining from the overall question of why bad things happen to good people, the fact is that we live in a fallen world that is full of pain and suffering. Right now, I have a choice about how I approach the situation. I need to fight my unbelief and anger, and surrender the situation to God. As of now, I am too exhausted and I confess that I'm quickly becoming very bitter at the situation. I'm going to spend some time in prayer and stop worrying about the outcome or trying to continue the fight for now.
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