Discharged

Today at 16:00 I was discharged from the hospital. Although I must continue to visit daily, this is a major first step. I am so thankful to finally be able to sleep without being woken up for vitals every four hours. I promised that I would not complain this time, but if I were to do so, vitals would easily be my top complaint. There is a point at which they are necessary, and there is a point at which they are just a formal check-the-box. At any rate, I am really looking forward to some uninterrupted sleep; I am beyond exhausted. Nevertheless, I have escaped, and I am on the road towards recovery. I have a long way to go, but it is amazing how far I come each week.

On the Mend

If you were able to look at me now and compare my current state to just one month ago, your initial reaction would likely be one of pity or sorrow. On the one hand, the road to recovery will be long, I am having trouble eating, I still have some issues that I am fighting, and my motor skills are going to take awhile to completely return.

On the other hand, I want to say that one would be completely amiss should they focus on the negatives. About a week ago, I passed through death and was barely conscious. Since then, I have moved from IV fluids to solid food, I went from being completely disabled to walking on my own, I studied/read for nearly an hour, and my mental abilities are making sharp returns. Things are really moving forward in the most awesome and miraculous manner. Unfortunately, I am not out of the woods yet; but rather than regressing, I am moving forward.

I could really focus on the negative aspect--as is my natural tendency. Instead, this ordeal has refined my faith in such a positive manner that I truly thank God for these struggles. I do not know what the end state is; there is both a mortality and morbidity rate associated with the transplant. I could easily relapse and die, or I could have a chronic return of graft versus host disease (GVHD) that leaves me debilitated for life. (Incidentally, I contracted a nasty case of GVHD that was extremely debilitating and is the reference towards "passing through death.") Thankfully, things do not seem to be going in that direction, and my oncologist says that I am "on the mend." However, I am not out of the woods yet. Instead, I have really learned to rely on the Lord for continued existence and provision. This time with Christ has been so pure that I would gladly endure these hardships again.

I want to thank everyone for their continued support, and I promise to continue updating everyone. Right now it is still difficult to type or focus for too long; but as long as I continue to improve, things will become easier.

Worse than Chemotherapy

Although this process is far from over, the transplant is already proving to be much worse than previous chemotherapy treatments. The amount of chemotherapy that is given before and after the transplant coupled with the fact that the drugs used are stronger, makes this a very arduous process. Quoting my nurse this morning, "You're going to be a mess until you get out of here." So far, this is proving to be true. Even as I get over one issue, two more develop.

The recovery time will also be much longer. In the past, my immune system was able to return and hasten the healing. This time, the doctors are purposely keeping my immune system low so that I do not attack the donor's cells before they take root. In fact, I will be on immunosuppressants for the better part of a year.

Anyhow, little victories are important. After two days of not vomiting, I think I can put that behind me. Next, I hope to move from IV nutrients to real food.

checking in

I'm going through a very rough period right now. The cumulative effects of the chemotherapy have left me pretty debilitated. Nevertheless, this too shall pass.

I am getting a lot of questions about whether the transplant was successful or not. Once I recover somewhat, I will answer that question in detail. For now, I would like thank everyone for their kind letters, emails, texts, etc. The encouragement and support I'm receiving is very heartwarming.

My schedule

Oxycodone rarely takes the pain away, but it makes you not care that you're in pain.

The Fun Begins

Yesterday morning I woke up early and began an eight hour final exam. Although not the ideal way to spend my last few hours on the outside, it's nice to have one less test to focus on. And perhaps a little focus elsewhere wasn't such a bad thing. For the past few days I have been praying fervently. Like Christ, I was asking God that if there is any other way please do it.

Many people who read my blog or know me often ask whether I am angry at God for this situation. The answer is a resounding no. First off, there are people in much worse situations than I. While that doesn't help alleviate my personal and present suffering, it does provide perspective. Second, for a fantastic answer to the general question of why bad things happen to good people, read The Problem of Pain by C.S. Lewis. My response is must less articulate: "Whoever said that I was good?" Third, we should be thankful for the joys of life rather than victimizing ourselves during hardship. Durable and real suffering allows us to experience how ephemeral this world is while God remains eternal. Finally, there are times where I am angry with respect to the treatment and how it is handled, but I don't blame God for the sins of man or the failures of this world. Again, if you want to take this to another esoteric level, I really suggest reading the Problem of Pain. It's even available in Korean for all my friends in the ROK: 고통의 문제.

Before I try to enjoy my two hours of sleep prior to another vitals check, I'll leave you all with one last note of interest: My specs going in.

• Body weight: 193.6 pounds - I was really trying to gain weight in a semi-healthy manner.
• 5k run time: 23:52 - To be honest, this was a week ago. I pushed myself too much, too quickly and blew out my knee. Thankfully, I have two months of RR for the knee. 
• Weights: N/A - I did some light lifting, but the PICC line prevented anything too strenuous.