Survived a Trip to Costco

Costco is one of my most hated stores. You combine relatively cheap prices, oversized carts and goods, cramped spaces, and free samples. The result is that people lose their minds and compassion once they enter the store.

Hyped up on steroids, experiencing severe roid rage and agitation, I decided to stop by Costco and stock up while my mother is visiting. (I cancelled my membership long ago.) Although I completely lost my faith in humanity, I somehow managed to survive the trip without any altercation. This is impressive considering I went through the full range of steroid emotions during the trip.

I arrived amped up and ready to shop. Filled with energy I charged through the store, trying to grab the heaviest items before I crashed. Unfortunately my attempts to get in and out quickly were thwarted by pretty much every Costco-type customer: the sample ninja; the indecisive, two-cart vending machine owner who blocks entire aisles; the large family that decides to group together, each member having their own cart; the children who ram their carts into your shins (does this only happen to me?); people aimlessly wandering while talking on their cell phones; that guy who tries to put a bulky kayak on his cart and then shop for food; and the remainder displaying a mob mentality, dashing throughout the store like a zombie apocalypse is imminent.

Towards the end, I had completely crashed off the steroid high, but the rage was at its peak. I do not know how I looked to other people, but I am now 169 pounds (I started treatment at 194), almost no muscle, pale and red with what looks like psoriasis from the GVHD, and I was definitely showing my irritation. I was probably so emo looking that I could play Darth Vader in the new Star Wars movies.

I won't compare conquering Costco with conquering cancer, but if the steroids didn't elevate my blood sugar, I definitely deserved a cookie. Instead, I had a Costco hotdog and discovered that I can no longer taste hotdogs.