READ AT YOUR OWN RISK

Warning: This post will largely describe the symptoms that I have been experiencing. I will refrain from full disclosure, but it may make some uncomfortable.

Let us begin with the good news:

On Thursday, I received test results showing that my body is almost 100 percent donor cells. In terms of cancer and ultimate treatment progression, this is the best news that I could have received. I can still relapse or experience other issues that will later frustrate progress, but this is a positive milestone and hopefully the donor's cells are able to remain rooted and prevent a recurrence of the cancer. I praise God for this answer to prayer, and I thank those who are praying for me and supporting me.

So why am I in the hospital?

To reiterate, I am on a hefty dose of immunosuppressants, which keeps my immune system at bay while the donor's cells take over. (For those in the medical field, forgive the oversimplification.) As they took me off the immunosuppressants, the GVHD returned and things started to spiral downhill from there. My GVHD manifests itself in the skin and looks like a total body first-degree burn. It vacillates between severe itchiness, burning, and pain on contact. It is not imminently deadly, but it is debilitating. It can also lead to complications and morbidity; hence the need to get rid of it via steroids. The steroids then suppress my immune system, which led to a nasty infection known as BK hemorrhagic cystitis.

Quick aside: When I was in the military, we used to have frequent STD briefings to warn service members of the dangers of sleeping around. Based upon my recollections of those briefings and a quick internet search, having BK hemorrhagic cystitis can range from being an asymptomatic carrier of chlamydia to experiencing the full range of symptoms constantly, even while not using the facilities. I am more in the latter category. To make matters worse, the treatment can take weeks to months before things clear. I am on day seven without improvement. Narcotics will dull the pain for periods, but not long enough. Anyhow, that is all I am going to say for the BK virus, which began on my birthday.

The ultimate reason for hospitalization was that I also contracted citomegalovirus (CMV). Again, this does have a morbidity rate, but for now it is nowhere near deadly. Instead, I get more nasty side effects with the worst being that my joints lock, and I sometimes experience a charlie horse that runs throughout my body. Coupled with the steroids that also cause joint pain, there are times where I just lie in bed and cannot move my hands or feet because they are completely immobile. Usually this only lasts for 10-20 minutes at a time, but this evening I had a bad spell lasting nearly an hour.

Because of all this and insomnia from the steroids, I cannot seem to sleep for longer than 30 minutes or an hour. There are other side effects, but everything really pales in comparison to the above. Although it feels as though my body is physically dying, I am told that all of this is superficial.

Bottom line: I am in the hospital for closer monitoring, and a new attack plan to fight against the GVHD recurrence. Once the GVHD is under control, the oncologists have a plan B and will begin to again wean me off the steroids. This kind of a bump is not at all uncommon for my type of transplant; however, some people do stay on the steroids for years until they are able to begin a normal life again. In my situation, because the donor's cells took root so quickly, the oncologists think that my GVHD and symptoms were more acute. Like a blazing fire, it will burn hot, fast, and appear devastating; however, it should die out and not become a chronic, slow burn lasting years. I pray this is the case.

In the meantime, narcotics allow periods of relief, the docs and nurses at the VA are doing an exceptional job, my wife is amazing throughout this whole process and my love for her has grown exponentially, my mother and father have really pulled through, my in-laws are some of the most wonderful people I know, I have many friends and church members praying or showing support, and I have really grown in my faith. Even now, I am going to listen to John Piper's seminar, Suffering for the Sake of the Body.

A lot of people are contacting me and asking how I cope or what they can do to help. I really want to thank everyone and ask them not to worry. I often hear cancer patients complain about not having true friends or "finding out who your friends are." I rarely feel that way because I am surrounded by many good people and because I have a God that is bigger than cancer. I don't know His will, whether this ends like Job or John the Baptist, but both eventually died and both are now experiencing eternal joy.

I wanted to continue this post, but I'm starting to have some complications. Let me just end on this note:

I am able to remain positive, love my family and friends more because I have Him who is able to give me 100 percent of Himself, 100 percent of the time. No person or amount of people could fill that void, not even yourself. This has allowed me to cope with the present situation, have an eternal perspective, and love those around me much more thoroughly. If you attempt to rely only on others, you will be disappointed. Those closest to you will care too much and need their own support while those distant from you will not care enough.

Thank you to all who continue to pray, keep in touch, and otherwise provide support, especially my wife whose patience with me is beyond impressive.