Perspective

I woke up today and forgot who I was for about ten minutes. Those were the best ten minutes of my life since I have been admitted to the hospital this time.

This BK virus is the most excruciating thing I have ever experienced. I was reflecting on my cancer treatment thus far, and I recall three periods of very intense pain: a virus known as C-difficile, an infection in my mouth that destroyed part of my nervous system, and this BK virus. This takes the cake, bar none. As a 34-year-old male, I cannot remember the last time I was brought to my knees screaming from physical pain. This pushes me off the edge every single day and it's frustrating because very little is known about it and symptoms very widely. If you have a kidney stone, the pain associated is well known. However, BK is often benign or asymptomatic. I felt as though it took nearly a week to at least receive validation that my pain was real. During that time, I really began to feel isolated and angry. The lack of sleep, constant pain, knowing that this could last much longer than anticipated, and the feeling of not being taken seriously became a bit overwhelming.

Perspective:

Let's put this into perspective. As of now, it has been roughly 11 days since this all really began. Think of people suffering from lifelong ailments such as MS, rheumatoid arthritis, trigeminal neuralgia, interstitial cystitis, etc. What about POWs or those who are tortured. I recently read an article about a woman who was selling her 11-year-old daughter for sex so that she could get her drug fix.

Matthew 27, Mark 15, Luke 23, and John 19--the crucifixion of Christ. Not only did he undergo one of the most physically painful forms of torture known to man throughout history, he did so for others and not for himself. People call me brave, but I'm not. My choice is either this transplant or death.  Not only did I choose life, but I had no idea that I would experience such hardship post transplant. Christ, on the other hand, was fully aware of what He would experience (Luke 22:42) and chose to suffer for our sake regardless of the suffering. Added to that, imagine the emotional torment that He experienced when forsaken. Matthew 27:46.

One day I'll look back on this as nothing more than a dream. This too will pass.

On a lighter note, until it does pass, I just fired my nurse. I requested not to have a particular nurse during this period. She tends to be very rigid and puts the book before the patient. Right now, I need some flexibility and understanding. I don't need to be writhing on the floor waiting for meds because someone is more concerned with vitals over pain management. Speaking of pain management, think of all the suffering without meds. That really puts things into perspective.