Exhausted but Restless

It's just after midnight, and I'm thoroughly exhausted. Things were looking up for a minute, but I am definitely feeling the effects of the CMV virus tonight: my joints are on fire, my stomach feels like a balloon ready to burst, and now my nose will not stop bleeding thanks to low platelet counts and a ruptured blood vessel. Nevertheless, I have to wake up in six hours so that I can rush off to the VA for eight to ten hours. It's striking that I can go between having a full day off and feeling like I am well on the road to recovery only to be struck down in one day and again wondering in which direction I am progressing.

I have been reading several books recently in an effort to overcome chemo brain. One particular book is entitled Decision Making and the Will of God by Garry Friesen. I have been contemplating what God would have me do should I beat this disease (or should I become disabled). I really do see this chance as my last, and I want to ensure that I use my life wisely. Yet all these setbacks make it hard to finish such a book when you begin to think that the rest of your life might only be a year or so. Right now, I am still at a high risk of the cancer returning or an infection being the end of it all. Thankfully, this 500 page book is really only 200 pages of content so it shouldn't take much time finish. Insightful book, but it didn't need to be as long as it is.

I've also started A Tale of Two Cities, which I really dislike. I went through a literature phase long ago and read many of the classics until I came across A Tale of Two Cities (both Hemingway and Dickens quickly ended my literature phase). The problem is that I got too far into A Tale of Two Cities that I must know how it ends. And because I'm too stubborn, I must find out how it ends naturally; i.e., no looking it up on wiki or reading the synopsis. To make matters worse, it has been so long since I have read the book, I forgot the majority of the plot and have since started over. I bought the Kindle version for 99 cents.

Although cancer wastes a lot of time through appointments or fatigue, it reminds you that time is so precious. There are only a few hours in the day where I feel up to anything. During that time I either want to be physically active or studying something that I have always been curious about. Cancer has really killed my desire for binge-watching television or playing too much video games. Please do not take this as sanctimonious bragging; instead, I am noting that there are good things that can come from cancer or other prolonged periods of suffering.

Anyhow, my nose stopped bleeding, the pain meds have kicked in so my joints are calm, and I need to wake up in a few hours. It's time for bed, forgive any errors above because I'm not proofreading this.