Endoscopy

Preliminary results from my endoscopy show ulcers in three separate areas of my stomach. The gastroenterologist took about 12 separate biopsies in order to detect GVHD or CMV. The ulcers do not concern me since they are a side effect of medication, particularly the foscarnet. The prayer is that there is no evidence of GVHD (which could require increasing the immunosuppressants that I have been trying to taper) or CMV (which would result in more foscarnet or ganciclovir). Right now, I am on a break from foscarnet while we await the results. I'm hoping this break is permanent and that I start to feel the good effects of being off the drug. Because I was on foscarnet for so long, my oncologist said that I will not likely see a noticeable difference for at least a week.

I had been feeling very anxious about the endoscopy, fearing the results would show either GVHD or CMV. I started to become frustrated and angry at the thought that I might have to deal with this for another month. (VA policy is that I wait a month in between endoscopies, and an endoscopy is necessary to detect both GVHD and CMV.) It seems like everything that can go wrong, has gone wrong. Moreover, I am tired and burned out from the constant appointments and endless treatment that seems to keep me in a static state where I am like some half-dead animal just trying to stay alive and cope with pain. Today was one of those days that brought all such negativity to light. Once again, what was supposed to be a day off, turned into a seven-hour appointment because of a lack of communication.

Put this into the perspective of someone who has now been going through this ordeal for years and does not know how much time he has left. I can think of better ways to spend my time. At first, I began studying, but not too far into the treatment, I started to hit my wall. Once I hit that wall, there is no point in trying to do anything that requires focus.

Actually, I just hit that wall I was about to describe.

Anyhow, I wanted to finish by stating that after meditating on the Word and reading some of Spurgeon, I suddenly felt a peace that I had not know in a long time. Despite the constant barrage of infections, bad news, losing everything, and feeling awful, I came across the following quote that really made me reflect on my present condition and put life into perspective:

The rest that the Holy Spirit gives under the worst conditions is wonderful. Martyrs have sung at the stake! They have rejoiced on the rack! Bonner's coal-hole at Fulham, England, where the martyrs were locked up, was a wretched place to spend a winter's night. Still the martyrs sang there, and it was the sweetest singing this side of heaven. C. H. Spurgeon.

I would love to write more, but I really have hit that wall. Plus it is late and I have another full day at the VA tomorrow.