To make a long story story, I was given the wrong endoscopy report so the GVHD may still be present. Second, the very next day I was told that they have found another infection; and this time, it's definitely true since I'm feeling much worse than I was before. Third, recent evidence from a chest x-ray shows that I might have pneumonia. I am being monitored closely (more VA visits and longer stays!), I am on additional antibiotics, and physically I have taken some major steps back. Every day I have 10/10 migraines, I'm often too weak to even get out of bed, food has gone from having no taste to simply tasting awful (and I've developed mouth sores which makes eating hot food painful), general malaise has increased, and several other ill effects that I'd rather not disclose at this point. Mentally I am so burned out that I find myself breaking down nearly every day.
In addition, I am getting flooded with paper work from various government agencies. Most of the problem lies in the fact that the Exchange, as established by the ACA, really screwed up with providing appropriate documentation. So I get to deal with an insurance provider that is now out of business and was a complete failure, the IRS, and the VA. None of the agencies communicate with each other and the right hand has no idea of what the left is doing. This is true externally and internally. Even today I received a call about endoscopy results that was represented as being recent but was in fact several months old. Why does this happen? Because pathology does not communicate with oncology. It's the same thing every time I go outside the oncology unit or if I have to deal with the administration. That being said, I am still more impressed with the oncology unit here in Seattle than I was with the initial treatment I received in Arizona from a private hospital (and Tucson's VA was dreadful).
Right now I feel as though I am fighting for my life again or at least simply fighting to stay out of the hospital. Pain management is becoming increasingly difficult, and I am in despair that I might not be fit to work this summer. That means I'll lose my job opportunity for sure.
Yet when going through such trials, I do feel better after turning to the Lord in prayer and focusing on Him. He has kept me alive this long for a reason, and I am thankful that I have the chance to glorify Him in what might be my last days or the beginning of a new life. Being human I often fail, and it's getting hard to maintain the faith that things will turn around in this life. Thankfully, there are several truths of which I am reminded; below is just one:
For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your way and my thoughts than your thoughts. Isa 55:8-9.
I don't know what God is thinking, but He's thinking something. And I'm thankful that He is with me as I go through these trials.
You encourage me to be less critical of those issues affecting me. I know you do not want us to compare and contrast what you are dealing with and what we are, but you need to know that your perspective helps mine. Perhaps the Lord wants you to bring justice and order to a system that has failed you and that has obvious flaws, so that people who follow you will not suffer this bureaucratic mess. Your strength of mind alone is in a league of its own. May you know the Light is around you and you are Loved.
ReplyDelete“Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30
ReplyDeleteI love you.��