Update/Random Thoughts

Each day that I'm on foscarnet my symptoms seem to get worse. The migraines are so bad that I'm often forced out of sleep long before dawn. Nevertheless, there is this period in the morning when I first arrive at the hospital where I am feeling well. Then the doctors do their rounds, see me at my best, and tell me that I'm improving. It's like a broken computer that works perfectly when you bring it into the shop for repair. I don't understand how I can feel good at 8:00 am, then a feeling of general malaise in the afternoon, followed by complete anemia and pain in the evenings.

Please don't misconstrue this post as whining or complaining. I'm just trying to keep up with the spirit of the blog and relay my experiences and thoughts. After all, it is called Thoughts from a Cancer Patient. The initial purpose was to express myself and allow others a glimpse into my mind--not because my mind is precious and full of insight. Instead, I noticed that going through such a struggle over several years has a way of changing one's self and introducing thoughts and experiences that one never could have gained otherwise. As I read through my own blog, I notice the transitions I have made, particularly with respect to my faith in Christ. One example is that I initially spent much of my time complaining, and I was extremely negative with regards to my treatment, the VA, the government in general, certain staff members, and other things. Now, when I am in a foul mood, I refrain from blogging until I have either prayed or spent time in the Word. It is amazing the difference I feel after prayer and meditation.

Yesterday was one of those days:

Things began like any other day: I was jolted out of bed because of some pain, I took some oxy, the effects hit by the time I saw the doctors, and I spent the morning taking care of some life issues. One such issue was calling my school to find out my grades from last semester. (My grades were late because I took my exams while in the hospital.) I am proud to report that I passed all classes. I was very happy to hear this and began making preparations to enroll for the Spring semester with the hopes that I am well enough to attend. I then learned that because I withdrew I must now reapply; a process that will set me back about a week in the registration process. In the meantime, I noticed that I will be at the bottom of the waitlist for all the courses I wanted. Moreover, I lost my spot for the grad housing which was the only affordable and close housing option for my budget.

After learning about the housing issue, I then go online to begin searching the Bay Area's property listings. Unfortunately, I cannot even get Zillow to load. I've commented that the VA does not have wifi; well, I'm taking that further to say that all of Seattle has no wifi. Yes, I'm exaggerating, but to be honest the area where I'm staying is like a third world country when it comes to phones and the internet. I try to tether from my phone but the VA is a blackhole for any type of signal. Even our hotel, the Marriott consistently provides only 3-4 mbps with constant interruptions.

After some frustration, I finally give up on the internet and decide to read. I realize that the book I brought was to get an early start on a class that I am now unlikely to get into because of the registration issue.

At this point the effects of the medication are starting to kick in and I begin to feel the energy being drained from my body. I then learn that the CMV in my body is confined to my gut. This means that they cannot detect the CMV through blood tests; they will have to do another endoscopy to see how things stand. That also means that until they do the endoscopy I cannot stop the foscarnet. So rather than being on foscarnet for only 14 days, I will remain on foscarnet for an additional 10 days just to be sure there is no more CMV prior to the endoscopy. In the meantime, my headaches are getting worse, my feet and legs are so swollen from edema that I have trouble walking, and the time period in which I have energy to function is decreasing daily. Although I'm recovering, I feel like I'm dying.

Anyhow, still sitting at the VA I turn on the news--bad idea. I refuse to get political with my blog. This blog has evolved into a tool whereby I can not only share my experiences but also share my faith. I am reluctant to mention anything about our election out of fear that I will turn many people away. Nevertheless, those who know me should at least know who I am not voting for. Also, I am astonished at the level of corruption and deceit that is rampant throughout our political system. I hear many Christians say that God will judge our nation. That's not completely true. I would say that judgement has already come and this election is proof. We should be embarrassed that from a nation of over 300 million people we have an immature populist windbag or a modern Jezebel as our choices. Of course there is a third party candidate who is too aloof to know which planet he is on. Voting third party is a separate issue, and I will never berate anyone who votes for a third party. My issue is with the candidate, and yes I have watched Johnson's interviews.

After six hours at the hospital, I did some grocery shopping while I still had some energy. I arrived home thoroughly exhausted and fell asleep only to be woken up several times in order to take medicine. Basically, every few hours I have to take some type of medication. In the evenings, I have IV medication that I do at home; it takes several hours. Despite being exhausted, I usually don't fall asleep until midnight because I take some steroids in the evening. And yes, they must be taken in the evenings; it is not by choice.

Days like yesterday have become commonplace.

1. If there is good news, it is overshadowed by bad news.
2. Despite being told that I am recovering, I feel very little physical evidence of that.
3. Seven months after treatment and my life still revolves around doctor's visits and treatment.

It is so easy to focus on the negatives. Add migraines, a lack of sleep, general pain, and things become much worse than they seem. But after spending some time in the Word and in prayer I was reminded of how far God has carried me and the blessings He has bestowed upon me. No matter what happens in this life I have an eternal focus that provides hope, contentment, and peace that passes all understanding. Nevertheless, I really need a break from the constant infections in order to truly feel as though I'm recovering.